ISSUE XV: NOT JUST FAST BUT FURIOUS TOO
we recommend listening to charli xcx's vroom vroom while reading this edition
if you sat us down a year ago and told us that by today, we would have finished the entire fast & furious franchise — all 10 main films and 1 spinoff — we would have called you a liar. “there’s no way! we’ve only seen the 1 spinoff, and that’s just because it was on tv one day!” we would have shouted, our voices quivering with disbelief. but alas, here we are. 2023 is the year of new challenges: it’s about taking yourself places you’ve never been before and the self-discovery that comes along the way.
so yes, over the course of 1 month, we completed the fast and furious challenge. there were ups and downs, there were laughs and there were tears. there were moments of doubt that had us contemplating quitting, and there were times where we thought there was no way we would possibly finish in time to catch fast x while it was still in theaters… but against all odds, we did it.
this journey was full of learnings, as any good journey is. a couple interesting tidbits we found along the way:
ludacris is: 1) in these movies, and 2) not bad at acting
vin diesel and the rock have been feuding since 2016, but claim to have buried the hatchet in time for his next upcoming standalone spinoff
vin diesel, the rock, and jason statham have teams that limit the number of punches they can take, and how badly they can be beaten up on screen
but most importantly: we learned about the true meaning of family from a group that’s remained so steady on and off screen (minus vin/the rock, but every family has their issues). so, as a couple of mission: impossible girlies, we tip our hats to all the fast & furious fans out there — we see you, we understand, and we stand with you.
THE GOOD THE BAD AND THE UGLY
let’s break down what worked and what didn’t
THE GOOD
the movies really sing when the entire ever-expanding crew is all together. as one of the villains in fast x notes, when reflecting on how many of their enemies just end up joining the group, “it’s like a cult with cars. everyone becomes family.” by the latest installment, the squad includes:
dominic toretto (vin diesel)
ex-cop brian o’conner (paul walker) (RIP)
dom’s girlfriend letty ortiz (michelle rodriguez)
dom’s sister / brian’s girlfriend mia toretto (jordana brewster)
and some vital supporting characters: tej parker (ludacris), roman pearce (tyrese gibson), han lue (sung kang), gisele yashar (gal gadot), ramsey (nathalie emmanuel), luke hobbs (the rock), and deckard shaw (jason statham)
the best stunts are their fighting sequences rather than car-related chases
the franchise has a truly diverse cast across all the movies
no one is ever dead: basically every character who dies comes back any time from 1-5 movies later
and they paid a beautiful tribute to the late paul walker in the 7th movie
THE BAD
90% of the car scenes. obviously this franchise is about cars but how much do we need to keep talking about car parts?
though there are many women in these movies and in their crew, we never really get a chance to see them shine — especially mia. justice for mia!
while nothing in this franchise is rooted in realism, the car stunts in later movies get more absurd, including things like: driving cars out of planes onto highways, remotely controlling every car in manhattan, driving out of the 50th floor of a skyscraper into another one (twice in a row), etc.
the extremely cheesy one liners, including this one from dom delivered with such intensity: “that’s the thing about street fights. the street always wins.”
THE UGLY
they continuously use the phrase ‘race wars’ to describe a street race competition
in the first movie, a white girl straight up calls a black man the n-word after he loses a race
the civilian damage: they presumably kill many pedestrians in these car chases
the entire 3rd movie, tokyo drift
FROM WORST TO BEST
this is a franchise with something for everyone — by everyone, we mean people who like good movies and people who like bad movies. variety recently published their own ranking of all the movies, but we are now publishing the definitive list. highlights of each movie are listed below and don’t worry: this is mostly spoiler free for those of you on your own F&F journeys.
THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS: TOKYO DRIFT (2006)
the 3rd installment almost convinced us to quit the entire franchise. it was painful all around: it features a completely new cast (neither vin diesel nor paul walker are in it), takes place in japan but centers around 2 white military brats (why would we root for them?), and the main character, who has the craziest southern accent we’ve ever heard, is not even likable. and most of all, it shifted the entire timeline of the rest of the series after they killed off a fan favorite and wanted to bring him back later. it’s also unclear why this movie has a completely different naming structure than the rest.
F9 (2021)
wikipedia said it best, noting that this movie was “criticized for its lack of a plot.” we could not tell you what was even going on in this 143-minute-long film, but it must be noted that 2 characters drive a car in outer space while the rest of the gang uses giant electromagnets to pull the enemy cars off the road. not even bad bunny’s original song nor cardi b’s brief cameo could save this one.
2 FAST 2 FURIOUS (2003)
this movie starts with brian (paul walker) losing his job as a cop (thank god) but then immediately joining the FBI to take down a drug lord. unfortunately, vin diesel and the core gang aren’t in this one at all, but at least we meet 2 key members of the squad: tyrese gibson as roman and ludacris as tej. overall, this movie is not good, but it did give us devon aoki as suki, who drives a hot pink car with an anime girl spray painted on the side and remains one of our favorite side characters. #bringsukiback #hotgirlsdrivetoo
FATE OF THE FURIOUS (2017)
in the 8th film, we finally got to nukes. in a mere 8 movies, the crew went from stealing dvd players to nuclear launch codes. and boy, what a journey it was. oscar winners helen mirren and charlize theron join the cast in this one, helping distract us from paul walker’s absence. this movie was unremarkable overall but did have some good jokes and fun action scenes (jason statham has to fight off a squad of people, while on a plane, carrying a baby in a carseat). and best of all, there’s way less car stuff!
FAST X (2023)
fast x, the latest installment, only exists to set up the next movie in the series, but jason momoa delivers a career best performance as an incredibly flamboyant villain that brings the entire film up a notch. the main issue here is that the gang spends the entire movie apart, which makes the story boring and disjointed. but there are some notable moments:
jason momoa’s line, “you want to know how to beat [vin diesel] in a street race? take away the streets.” before 2 helicopters harpoon dom’s car and lift it off the road
yet another return of a previously dead beloved character
a license plate reading “RO4D RAGE”
cameos from pete davidson, rita moreno, debby ryan, josh dun, and meadow walker (paul walker’s daughter)
THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS (2001)
where it all began! by the time you get through 11 of these movies, it’s hard to believe the franchise starts with undercover cop brian o’conner infiltrating a gang of street racers because he suspects them of stealing dvd players. the craziest stunt in this first film is when letty drives her little car underneath a big truck — little did they know they would soon be hanging out in space and saving the world. in the end, brian lets dom’s crew go because he’s learned the true meaning of familia. and then we do not see the familia back together for 3 more movies.
FAST & FURIOUS (2009)
this is a classic revenge story, with the crew avenging the death of one of their members. good fun! and gal gadot, who we didn’t know was even in these movies, makes her first of many appearances as gisele. bonus points here for the ending scene where they break dom out of a prison bus, mostly for the fact we finally get to see mia behind the wheel during a heist.
FAST AND FURIOUS 6 (2013)
another one with the whole crew back together again — but this time a key member is back from the dead and working with the bad guys, with no memory of her previous life. the classic amnesia trope! in this sixth installment, they end up head-to-head with a team of their evil doppelgängers and really amp up the action by grounding a giant cargo plane with their cars in the final scene.
HOBBS & SHAW (2019 SPINOFF)
a masterpiece that stars 2 side characters from the franchise but otherwise remains completely detached. the rock and jason statham pull off an incredible ‘buddy action-comedy,’ also featuring idris elba as a cybernetically enhanced super soldier wanting to release a deadly virus and vanessa kirby as statham’s badass little sister. surprisingly, this may have been the most coherent film of the series, even though 25% of the dialogue is just hobbs & shaw talking about how massive their balls are (this is not a joke).
FURIOUS 7 (2015)
paul walker’s last appearance featured some life-changing moments:
the introduction of “god’s eye,” a technological surveillance system that somehow allows you to access any camera or sound recording device in the world — surprisingly, instead of being destroyed, this tech remains a key part of future movies!
a beautiful ending tribute to paul walker (who died during filming) that left us (okay, mostly priya) with tears streaming down our faces. realistically, the franchise should have ended here.
the rock flexing so hard that his entire arm cast flies off
FAST FIVE (2011)
the best of the bunch, as the first movie to assemble the whole crew from all the previous movies… and on top of that, they are pulling off a HEIST, one of the best film tropes. fast five is where they started amping up the humor, where the whole crew found their groove, and where the stakes really started to rise. plus, we love a fully happy ending! the best of the best, but that’s not to say that fast 11 can’t beat it.
IN’S & OUT’S
IN:
OUT:
the weeknd: not sure how he will ever recover from the mockery he has received from his critically panned performance in his critically panned show, the idol
anyone criticizing ryan gosling’s casting as ken
submarines :/
RAHUL’S CORNER
that’s all for today! as mentioned before, we are mission: impossible girlies, so stay tuned for an eventual ranking of that franchise <3
ty for ranking these so i know what order to watch them in when i do my own fast and furious marathon ❤️ that said gal gadot is the most random person to have in these movies LOL
i am hardcore against creddie unfortunately. sorry to be a hater. are you guys going to discuss the weeknd/the idol any further than the outs? i feel like y’all would have a lot of really good commentary
So many thoughts on this one but i find it hard to believe you guys didnt throw in some fake facts about the fast movies in with the real ones cause theyre all so absurd.....also absolutely love “the other two”, fantastic show